i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
