i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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