i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
