I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize