If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Vodka?
Forever.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize