fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
