I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
