She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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