why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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