paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
