Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
