my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
