Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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