I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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