lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
