i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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