Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize