you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize