One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
