What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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