what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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