I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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