JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
false alarm, still single
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