My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
