she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
