if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
