You smell like a Billy Joel song
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I looked at my own cervix.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
