woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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