After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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