She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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