can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
