thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
