I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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