Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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