Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
