hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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