I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
