i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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