Apparently you make a good broom.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
