Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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