im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
