Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we're making bets on your personal life
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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