not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
