Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Holy sore nipples Batman
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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