mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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