After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so let's talk penis.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
