i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
