I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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