I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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