Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
