...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
