Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
