he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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