Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize