so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
