Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
