I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
