I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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