Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize