I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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