I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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