I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
