I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
