if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The air taste purple.
Randomize
