Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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