Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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