Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wish I only lived at night.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize