Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
