The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
